musings

This week I was at a cocktail reception because of work. That was quite fun. Thanks to the alcohol, I got so upbeat, blatant and sociable. Well, I was so fearless partly because of the occasion. I was basically the youngest and hottest woman in the room, I got a good pulse the on things regarding the occasion, all I needed was a little alcohol to give me the kick to strut around the room with pride, which I had in eternal supply.

The results were quite satisfying:

1. Got hitched with a decent looking successful young man.

2. Got to talk to and left an impression with basically everyone from top to bottom in the organising company.

It always lifts my spirits to be so welcomed and wanted by the opposite sex. Though I may not want anything further, or most of the times it just goes downhill onwards. Last week a hunk chef gave me a smirk while I was passing him by at a shopping mall. I couldn't help but break out in a truly elated smile, though I could imagine the trajectory if I progress, or let him progress, further. Sounds pathetic, but these are the only associations with people I have off work. These are the only moments that I am so welcomed in my life. Really. So these blips of bliss mean heaps in my daily lives.

I always have problems with people. I have never been able to fit in anywhere. I have never found anywhere that I can call home or be at home. To put it simply, it's always rejection or invalidation whenever I want or even crave for acceptance. Firstly it's my mom who always invalidates me with no reason, nor does she provides any guidance or alternative solutions. (She doesn't mean bad, she just never knows how to deal with her children.) So I am always left in the middle of nowhere, don't know what to do and where to go. Later in life, it's my peers. I just know whatever I do, I gets invalidated and beaten to a pulp before I could stand for myself. So I'm left at ground zero after all these years.

Perhaps I have expected too much from my peers and magnify their significance in my life. So it hurts like hell when they always turn their backs on me.

Anyway, the weekend after the Cocktails I went to the blog with the address the young man I met at the event gave me. Maybe he was drunk so he invited me to drinks with him when I happen to be in Beijing, which is where he's residing now. Anyway. Blogs. Nothing much there, but I found out that he happened to be quite a "weirdo" that has some issues with fitting in as well. Before I go on further to what I read in his blogs, let me recall my first impressions of him years ago. I still remember he looked so out of place when he first appeared on TV. 60's style 9:1 side parting hair, fat ties, ultra thick makeup plus the bright red lipstick... he looked quite typically what the general would call a "nerd". For a while he disappeared before he turned up again in another TV channel in Beijing. Occasionally he also appears in local media as a persona with a total make over: shaggy or long hair, unbuttoned shirts, casual studio shots but with a lot of photoshop work... These are just signs that he is insecure with himself so he tries to do things to make himself look cool for more acceptance. These haven't quite changed who he is though, because no reporters from open countries would choose to go back to China to work there. And that night at the Cocktails he was wearing a thick felt suit (remember it is summertime) with the blazer a size too small and the trousers way too baggy. But he goes on, and even set up his own website and a blog with a huge mainland readership with some of them being big fans of his.

"Yes I survived." A few of his friends passed away over the years, including one who threw himself to a train after years of unhappiness from trying to fit in. "Yes I survived". Yes he does. Though it sounds stupid to some eyes to work in China, but he gets the acceptance that he could not have elsewhere. He's now a star in the TV station, he gets invited to big national or city events as guests, he gets to meet national heroes, and he has a following of fans. "Everyone is just so different."  Yes, I agree. What makes him happy may not work for her. And some were born so different that they don't blend in with anyone else. Good to know I am not alone.

"Love or no love, just live the best one could." Yes. Just live in whatever way that makes yourself the most comfortable, that is the best fit for you. The invalidations just don't matter, because everyone is just so different. Just live the best I could.

Though I have been complaining that this job is taking me nowhere, it does not exert any pressure on me to be someone either. So I have all the ease on earth to explore who I am without external pressure.